Random Bits 14
by Nashiil
Summary: There's a new food craze in Spira that draws our heroes into a face to fork encounter with a 'fancy' restaurant.


You would not believe how much trouble I have gone through to get this thing posted! I tried posting Sunday, but it wouldn't save anything I added to the document. Anyway, everyone say 'Thank you' to Heaven-Monument for inspiring this fic. Now that we all know who to blame, enjoy RB 14!

Random Bits 14 - Chapter 1

Setting: A new café with an intriguing menu has opened in Luca and since our heroes happened to be _in_ Luca, they decide to check it out.

**Luca** - **The new café **- Noon. The Fellowship of the Summoner has just arrived at the café built by the Stadium.

Yuna and her Guardians studied the new café. It had been strategically positioned between the Theatre and Stadium to take advantage of the crowds. The circular platform had been built over the water to offer a scenic view from all sides and catch the breeze. The main lobby and kitchens had been built at the center with a covered patio and tables surrounding it. A sign out front read: 'Welcome to the Intercontinental Café of Fiends!'

As it turned out Marp had decided to go into business for himself with the daring new idea of offering a fiend based menu. Okay, so it wasn't that new of an idea, but after being washed out to sea during a hurricane and landing on a remote island, he discovered that some isolated villages hunted fiends for food. He returned to Luca a few months later with a handful of recipes and fresh ideas. A few more months later his restaurant was a big hit and domesticated meat animals everywhere rejoiced.

"Maybe I should sell them my recipe for Spicy Funguar?" Lulu mused as they strolled up to the café. A sign reading: 'Please Wait to be Seated' blocked their progress.

"Why?" barked Wakka, "We can find our own table. There's four of 'em right there."

Rikku peered around the back of the sign and said in puzzlement,

"It says 'Please Seat Yourself' on the back." Tidus shook his head at the ignorance.

"No. No. In fancy places back home they put these signs out when there are a lot of people to make sure the waiters know you're here. Then they send some guy with a fancy name like 'Gaston' to take you to your seat and take your order."

"Yuna Summoner. No wait. Sit now!" Kimahri rumbled, shaking a fist like a sock full of rocks as he stepped over the little velvet rope, drawing appalled gasps from his companions.

"Kimahri," Yuna called timidly, "Try to be tactful."

The Ronso stumped through the tables like a giant lizard ready to wreak havoc on a small island city, and grabbed the nearest waiter. The man, who had been filling a guest's glass, turned and looked up the nostrils of an unhappy Ronso.

"C-can I help you?" he quavered as the creature dragged him over to his friends then growled, "Gaston seat us now."

The companions were quickly led to a table where their drinks order was quickly taken. Kimahri was somewhat appeased by the chairs which had been designed with tailed races in mind. In fact, the entire café was a mix of cultural décor. The floors were stone tile with traditional Ronso designs, tables and chairs had been imported from Guadosalam, the canopies were woven and brought from Besaid, and the pots for the plants came from Kilika. There were more textiles from other races littering the ICOF forming a hodge-podge of styles that managed to work well together.

Along with combining various cultural elements, Marp had also provided a multi-lingual menu. He even hired other races to cook, serve, and write out the day's specials. What he failed to realize was that translating a language can be tricky, which is why the Specials board read: In Spiran, Today's specials, Crab dinner - 6gil, and Dinonix frank in a bun with chips - 4gil, while in Guado it read: Crap dinner - 6gil and Dinonix wiener in the bum with chits - 4gil.

'Gaston' shakily set down the drinks, passed out the menus and promptly fled. No strangers to eating fiends, Yuna and company jumped right into their menus.

"Look!" Rikku exclaimed, vibrating with interest, "They serve Condor Curry! My mom used to make that back Home."

"Look, Lu!" Wakka's thick finger pointed to the Dingoburger, "They make the half-pound Dingoburger. Says here 'so good it'll make you sit up and beg for more!'" he said reading the little caption under 'Dingoburger. Several restaurant chains had developed menus with humorous descriptions under the meal items. It was a new attempt to combine food and entertainment in a family atmosphere where strippers, karaoke, and pole dancing were frowned upon as forms of 'wholesome fun for the entire family'.

"It sounds good," said Tidus, in the tones of one who is about to do some major boot-licking, "But I bet it isn't as good as Lulu's. Her Dingoburgers are the _best_!" Auron rolled his eyes (he had worn his glass eye today, and it rolled in the opposite direction of his good eye, causing several passing customers to snicker) as the blatant butt-kissing drew pained groans from his companions.

"Suck up." Sang Rikku under her breath.

Lulu grunted in amusement and rewarded the blitz ball jock with a slight smile. Sure he was kissing up, but it was true. She did make the best Dingoburgers and…she looked around, suddenly catching the echoes of a faint sound. No one else seemed to have heard it, not even Kimahri, so she brushed it aside.

Beside the Black Mage, Wakka continued his mental litany.

_Dang it! Dang it! Dang it! Dang it! I should have thought of that one!!_

Oblivious to Wakka's mental anguish, Yuna studied her menu. She had spent the last few minutes trying to figure out just what was meant by Aeroga Balls. Unlike the innocuous captions of the other items, this one seemed to contain a leer. The description was no help either and could have been taken in a number of ways.

Aeroga Balls: Juicy Aeroga Balls baked to perfection.

_You've never had balls like these!_

The Summoner gave in and asked in small voice, afraid of the answer,

"Lulu? What are the…Aeroga Balls?"

"Ground Aeroga mixed with cheese, bread crumbs, and minced Funguar caps. Why? What did you think they were?"

"Oh..n-nothing..I mean…I just wanted to know." Yuna stammered, pulling her menu up like a shield. Thankfully she was spared further embarrassment by the arrival of their new waitress.

The female Ronso loomed over the group and bared her fangs threateningly. Everyone leaned back, ready to flee.

"What's she doing?" Rikku whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Auron, her eyes riveted to the gleaming fangs. The Unsent man calmly pointed to a sign above the ICOF's lobby door. Slowly, to avoid making any threatening movements everyone turned to look at the sign

_Service With A Smile_

Yuna and her Guardians deflated like relieved balloons and looked at the waitress sheepishly.

"Ready to order?" the waitress growled. Yuna gave her an embarrassed grin and said,

"I would like the Ragora Salad, please."

"Kimahri want Behemoth Steak. Cooked _rare_."

"I'll have the Dualhorn Kidneys with the Coerul Sausage," Auron said, "And gravy on everything."

"Okay!" Rikku rubbed her hands together eagerly, "I want the Condor Curry with a Zu Egg and Imp Toe Soup, two servings of the Basilisk Scale Chips and a small serving of Ochu Berries. What?" she said as everyone stared at her in astonishment, "I'm on a diet." The unspoken question: 'How much does she normally eat?' ran through each of their heads.

Lulu ordered the Aeroga Balls, just to watch Yuna blush, then nudged Wakka when he wasn't forthcoming with his order.

"Oh, I'll take the Barbequed Garuda Wing with Fries." he replied before lapsing back into his private thoughts. While the waitress scribbled down his order, Lulu wondered what he was thinking that required such absolute concentration.

Wakka was in fact, thinking this,

'You are old Maester Micha', the young man said,

'And your hair has become very white'.

'And yet you insistently stand on your head…..'

The accompanying mental image that cavorted across his imagination was hilarious enough to result in a giggle. Lulu turned a look on her friend that was somewhere between worry and disgust and considered giving him a wake up jab. Lost on planet Wakka, the man giggled to himself again. Lulu opted for scooting her chair away from him.

"I'll have the Whole Roasted Chocobo 'so good you'll slap your mama'. Tidus said reading the caption aloud. He playfully waved his menu around as the waitress tried to take it. She frowned and snatched it away with a hiss, then after nodding to Kimahri stalked off.

"Looks like someone has a crush on the waitress." Tidus teased, grinning like a madman at Kimahri, who crossed his arms and glared.

"Nothing like facial hair on a girl, huh?"

"Fine example of female Ronso." Kimahri rumbled in reply. Tidus shrugged dismissively, "If you like full body hair."

Yuna, Lulu, and Rikku kicked their favorite Sin Spawn in the shins in a desperate attempt to prevent him from becoming a few bloody chunks for the fish to nibble on. Unfortunately Tidus was a blitz ball player and had developed natural shin guards. Kimahri leaned forward, ears flat against his skull and growled defensively,

"Tidus say Ronso women ugly?"

"Well, don't you think human women are ugly?"

Kimahri snorted in derision and replied, "To Ronso all humans are ugly." Somewhere in the depths of his Instincts, ancient Ronso ancestors were jumping up and down shouting _Danger! Danger!_ Looking around, the humanoid realized that he was in female company. **Human** female company.

The big Ronso's fur rose slightly in response to sudden skin tingling dread. He cleared his throat and quickly added,

"Except Yuna, who is brave like Ronso," his yellow gaze fell upon Lulu's crimson one, "And Lulu who is fierce like Ronso warrior, and Rikku who is…tenacious like young Ronso." He waited nervously to see if the compliments would be accepted, or if he would have to pull out Plan C (Rub On Legs While Purring And Meowing Piteously).

"What's with the bread?" Wakka inquired when their waitress brought them a basket of breadsticks and a small bowl of Wasp Honey Butter.

"Oh," Tidus said around a doughy mouthful, "Fancy restaurants sometimes give you free stuff to snack on until your food is ready."

"What about more to drink?" Lulu muttered under her breath.

Auron eyed the low levels of beverages around the table, then scanned the ICOF. There were plenty of 'Gastons' bustling about. He reached across Rikku and grabbed Lulu's empty glass.

"Hey!" Rikku and Tidus gasped in unified alarm as the sudden movement caused their replica of Remiem (built from tableware, silverware, and napkins) to sway dangerously.

The Legendary Guardian ignored them, then held up the glass and did one of the most annoying things that can be done in any restaurant; he rattled the ice.

"Don't do that!" Tidus scolded, holding a hand up to the side of his face in discomfiture. And the complicated dance of taking orders, catering to demands, filling glasses, and cleaning tables was disrupted.

We've all been in a restaurant with one of those jerks (you may have forgotten your manners and _been_ one of them). They either rattle the glass, whistle at the wait-staff, are unbearably demanding, unable to be satisfied, or steal away everyone else's waiter. Auron happened to be the Glass Rattler.

"It makes you look like a jerk." Tidus finished as a 'Gaston' scuttled over, apologizing and filling all the glasses.

"Now we have to leave a bigger tip." he sighed.

"I've got a tip for you…"Auron replied, his voice dangerously calm.

Tidus was spared the scathing comment by very waiters he was defending. Another nameless 'Gaston' herded several staff members laden with trays to their table. The waiters and waitresses strutted over, all smiling as if they were about to break into a perfectly choreographed dance at any moment, and began a complex circuit with lots of spinning, ducking, and skipping that ended with everyone getting the correct plate. The lead waiter snapped his fingers and crisply motioned his minions to hurry with the Whole Roast Chocobo, which took six men to carry over on its silver platter.

Tidus stared goggle-eyed as the men staggered to the empty table beside him and set down the tray. It was the _entire_ Chocobo, roasted In a sitting position with its neck stretched up proudly and a whole pineapple stuck in its beak. It rested regally on a bed of lettuce (which was only there as a garnish, since it wasn't a Fiend and therefore not fit to eat) and had its tail feathers stuck back in after cooking.

"What're you waitin' for?" Wakka laughed encouragingly, "Dig in!"

"Its still got eyes." the boy replied in an appalled quaver.

"That's what _whole_ means, brudda."

"Not where I come from. Whole means everything but the guts, head and feet."

"Be hungry then."

The Son of Jecht squirmed wretchedly, trying to ignore his stomach's attempts to digest itself. He slouched down stubbornly in his seat, despite the tantalizing aroma of the hot food around him.

"Hey Kimahri," Wakka drawled slyly, "How's your steak?" He shot a covert glance in the boy's direction while, rumbling contentedly the Ronso paused in his enthusiastic mastication and responded, "Grrreat." The Auroch's Captain grinned smugly to himself as Tidus slowly pushed his chair back and, plate in hand, headed for the Chocobo.

Tidus stared up at the looming carcass in trepidation and slowly extended a fork that trembled slightly, and gave the creature's neck a tentative poke. The pineapple suddenly fell out of the fowl's beak in a cloud of steam and bounced across the floor. Tidus yelped and jumped back, his plate held up like a shield as he abruptly found himself staring into two eyes like boiled eggs and a beak gaping in a silent scream of rage. The Chocobo glared back accusingly.

The young Guardian paled and turned a beseeching look on his companions.

"Oh, for Yevon's sake!" Wakka groaned. He stumped over, grabbed a wing and tore it off, then after slapping it down on Tidus' plate, spun the boy around and gave him a good natured shove towards his seat.

"Go on, you sissy."

Tidus ate in silence. At least until he picked up his drink and, after a few gulps, discovered an eyeball floating in it. His eyes bulged in revulsion and he ejected the beverage in a high-pressure spray. Rikku cracked first and won a glare from her fellow conspirator, Auron.

"Rikku! Sir Auron!" Admonished Yuna as Auron retrieved his eye from the glass.

"Come on Yunie, It was hilarious!" Rikku chortled.

A sudden commotion at the entrance interrupted a well deserved dressing down and curtailed further conversation. Everyone at the café left their meals and turned to see a small mob at the entrance.

"I'll tell the High Summoner! She's a very good friend of mine." Screamed a wild-eyed man as he was tackled to the ground by several waiters.

"You can't serve Chocobos as food. They're noble, intelligent creatures. Its murder, I tell you! **Murder!!**"

"Oh no, its Clasko!" Quavered Rikku, twisting with the urge to flee, "He's going to crap a golden palace if he sees us, you know."

"Lady Yuna! Thank Yevon you're here!" Clasko babbled, throwing off his assailants and scrambling over.

"They're _eating_ Chocobos and-" he trailed off and there was a painfully awkward moment as everyone's eyes swiveled towards the Incriminating Evidence.

"How could you?!" Clasko all but sobbed, Yuna hanging her head in sheer humiliation.

"And you!" he spat vehemently thrusting the Finger of Accusation, which vibrated with righteous fury, at Tidus. The boy grinned guiltily and tried to cover the massive poultry wing with a napkin that was suddenly too small while the former Chocobo Knight continued his tirade.

"Traitor! You told me I would be a great Chocobo breeder. Why? So there would be more of them for you to eat?!" Fidgeting with acute discomfort, Tidus fell back on his trusty, but vapid excuse,

"I..uh…got too close to Sin…and, uh..the toxin…"

Clasko ignored Tidus' babbling and raked his searing gaze over the rest of the Guardianship.

"And to think," he snarled with jowl trembling rage, everyone shifting uncomfortably in their chairs like children who have been caught at being naughty, "I was honored to have my Chocobos sing at _his_ Deathday party." He stabbed a finger towards Auron, all the wrath of the gods behind it. The Legendary Guardian blinked impassively back at Clasko, who had begun to froth slightly. Impassively, if you could over look the constipated expression of someone desperately trying not to laugh.

"Please Clasko, calm down." Yuna said soothingly in a futile attempt to disarm the situation before the man exploded. She noticed with a certain amount of irritation that Sir Auron was just sitting there completely unconcerned. She silently prayed, _Someone please do something! _The young woman's prayer was answered…just not in the way she had hoped, which just goes to show that if you're going to pray in a world with multiple gods, make sure to name just _who_ you are praying to. An unaddressed prayer could get answered by anyone and Yuna's got answered by a passing god who, not having had any heretics or heathens to smite all morning, was bored.

Yuna's heterochromatic eyes widened in dread as Kimahri lost his patience and stalked to the Chocobo's gently steaming carcass and came away with the head and neck in his furry paws. Kimahri was a firm believer in animal rights, so long as he didn't have to address them like higher life forms or let them eat at the table…and he was still allowed to eat them. He ignored Yuna's panicked expression as he walked up to the livid Chocobo fanatic. Grasping the back of the bird's head in one hand and the tendons dangling off the bottom of the neck in the other, he turned the head into Spira's first meat puppet. The beak opened and closed in sync as Kimahri rumbled with happy malice, "Eat more Chocobo."

The color drained from Clasko's face and he keeled over in a dead faint. Tidus bolted from his chair and dashed madly towards the railing. He leaned over the side and, with a sound normally associated with projectile vomiting, had a second look at his lunch. A distant splattering sound was instantly followed by a churning noise as the local fish showed up for the free meal.

Seeing their comrade fall, the mob broke past the waiters and charged into the ICOF waving their homemade signs. They had things printed on them like, 'Domestic Livestock are People too!', 'Meat is Murder!' , 'Fiends are Friends!', 'Save a Fiend, Eat a Human!", and because someone got confused and marched off with the wrong fanatics, 'The End is Near!'. The activists pulled Clasko to his feet and one of them wailed,

"What's wrong with all of you? Animals and Fiends have the right to live!" Some of them began sobbing dramatically at the sight of the roasted Chocobo.

"Have right to be eaten too!" called a Ronso somewhere in the café.

The spokesman launched into what was sure to be a long winded lecture about animal and Fiend rights, but had never dealt with Ronsos before. You didn't tell a seven foot leonine carnivore that he couldn't eat what he jolly well pleased. The annoyed Ronso calmly tore a hunk of meat off his Peking Divebeak and hurled it right into the man's mouth. The unfortunate protestor gurgled in horror and staggered around, clawing at his throat.

"Hey! My lunch!" Tidus cried, as several fanatics lifted the platter with the Chocobo and stumbled towards the exit to give it a proper burial. Now that his stomach was empty and the head was gone, Tidus found the bird very appetizing and rushed to defend it. He bent down and scooped up the discarded pineapple, then hurled it at the nearest head. As a woman fell to the fruity missile, the tray tipped and the blitz ball star rammed the group.

"You aren't even going to eat it!" he shouted as the tray, Tidus, and the protestors crashed down in a struggling heap.

Wakka looked up in horror as the rest of the mob began upending tables and flinging plates to the floor. He looked down at his plate and quickly decided that the safest place for his Barbequed Garuda Wing was in his stomach. The Islander leaned protectively over his plate and began shoveling it in. Lulu looked up at a man who grabbed the edge of her plate and attempted to yank it away. She looked up at him, eyes smoldering, transferred her gaze down to the offending appendage then back up. The Black Mage gave him a look that promised Horrific Consequences if he did not remove his hand _immediately_. The zealous man quickly jerked his hand back and looked for someone else to harass.

As chaos erupted, Yuna Summoned Ifrit to restore order, since Auron was no help. He found the entire fiasco amusing for some reason.

"No! No!" the daughter of Braska cried in dismay as the canine Summon headed straight for the roast Chocobo.

"Heel, Ifrit! Heel!"

Auron surveyed the chaotic scene. Fights had broken out everywhere and the protestors were now raiding the freezers and trampling on customers' food. The fanatics began tossing meat into the oceans, while the Ronsos began tossing the activists. Tidus was fighting Ifrit for his Chocobo, while Yuna hovered around the two of them, prodding them with her Staff. Wakka was scarffing his food, while Lulu sat in a small circle of calm, her plate in no danger of being touched. Rikku had formed the wait-staff into a small militia who were holding the activists out of the kitchens. They were all lined up at the doors, with the stomachs of various Fiends held gently under their arms, ready to squirt out the juices at who ever came too close.

Auron shook his head in amusement and, pulling a 'Gaston' out from behind the safety of a potted plant said,

"Check please."

End.

Wait, don't go! There is going to be a special dinner performance by the Meat Puppet Theater Club!


End file.
